I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
