even my farts smell like vagina
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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