I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
