I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
