Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
