I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize