Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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