I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
