it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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