i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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