we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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