Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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