I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
