dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
