I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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