Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
