just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My ATM looks so different sober.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You need a sexual gate keeper
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
