Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
