I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
