This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I cut my penus on the lid.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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