rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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