Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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