Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
