the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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