theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
