He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
