So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
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In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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