I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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