matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
