So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
