I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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