We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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