Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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