so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
