I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my shit smells like andre
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
