bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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