I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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