Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
