a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
