You really coming over, don't trick.
I got chris browned last night
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just blew my weed a kiss
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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