I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
