walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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