Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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