so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
