My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Is it because I queefed?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
