Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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