Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
