Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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