I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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