Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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