he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
accomplished twins. life is a go
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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