I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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