Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
