genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
