Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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