i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
