I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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