it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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