I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
