if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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