I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
