Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
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I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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